Writing a killer novel is just a tiny facet of the whole shinny deal, the rest is work, and the hardest part happens before you even land that book deal.
How do I know? I’ve spent hours researching the industry.
Why? Because ever since I first considered being published I wanted to know just what I was getting myself into. Mainly because I’m lazy and don’t like to be surprised by work I’m not prepared for.
Now I want to share the business part of writing, as I understand it. If you know something I’ve missed please add it to the comments. If I’m dead wrong, laugh at me until you cry then please correct my delusions.
Step Two: Shove it in a dark dusty spider infested drawer and ignore if for at least 1 month. This is a great time to think up an even better mind-blowing story to mutilate.
Step Three: Dig the treasure back out and read over the story. Decide it’s utter crap and in a fit of disgust, shove it away again for another month.
Step Four: Pull the mess out once more and, with the determination of a mailman hating dog trying to escape the confines of the backyard, rewrite the dirty bastard until he’s as smooth as aged whiskey.
Step Five: Pawn the cranky old man off on your closest, dearest friends and watch them squirm as they try to say something nice about it. Take everything they say and do the opposite.
Step Six: Now that you have a fairly decent turd, send it out to complete strangers and listen to their take on it. Then use this invaluable information to polish your turd to a mirror shine!
Step Seven: Lock it away in the highest room of the tallest tower in a dragon guarded castle. This will prevent you from attempting to make it better or correcting those typos, that’s not your job.
Step Eight: While your precious waits to be rescued by a cantankerous ogre, toot your horn across every writer’s network site. This is vital, without them knowing how uber awesome you are they may decide to swoop in on your six book deal, you must dissuade them.
Step Nine: Once you over shadow every other writer on the web set up a facebook author page, LinkedIn profile, twitter account, mindless blog about the greatness of your life, website, MySpace page and any other social media site you can think of.
Step Ten: Hound your friends and family to like, tag, share, retweet, pin, blog and otherwise forward your greatness along the World Wide Web.
Step Eleven: Now that the world knows how great you are, submit a self-serving query to the first agent you stumble upon. Send all 350,000 words, just to save them the trouble of requesting it. A sample book contract will also be a big help.
Step Twelve: Open a bottle of wine, light up that stogie and wait for the six figure advance check to come in the mail.
Step Thirteen: Realize you suck, wallow in despair and pledge never to pick up a pen again.
Step Fourteen: Start at step one again, only this time do your homework instead of taking the advice of a layman blog writer.